I’m laying in bed with lots of news and thoughts swimming in my head and it hit me. What I miss right this second is having that someone I want to share everything with first, that someone who wants to know what’s new with me and how my day was. You know, not in a Facebook status update kind of way, but in a human love kind of way, face to face or by telephone. While I think social media can be a good medium for support, nothing can replace a loving, human voice.
1. I love me. Me first, then the world benefits. Always.
2. I will not be second anything.
3. I matter.
4. I am worthy of love and respect.
5. I will not be denied.
6. I can only depend on myself.
7. I do not need anyone or anything.
8. I am stronger than the world may think I am.
9. I am sensitive and that’s OK.
10. I always have a choice.
It was two years ago on Wednesday night, June 27, 2012, a summer night much like tonight, that my boyfriend called to dump me over the phone. We have never spoken since, but he did keep my belongings and never returned them to me, which to this day still bewilders me. The last contact was a check he mailed to me for an airline change fee for a ticket I had booked to visit him. Not ever having contact again was my choice and I stand firm in that decision. Anyone who doesn’t have the courage to face me after the end a 15+ year relationship does not deserve anything else from me.
So why can’t I forget this two years later? God knows I have tried and am trying. I just had a four-week assessment with my chiropractor Monday of this week and I still have not stabilized, so I have started another four weeks of sessions. In our assessment session, we revisited questions she had asked me on my first visit: happiness, stress, sleep, mobility, etc. The question with which I have made no progress is how loved I feel. My perception of feeling loved remains the same. I believe that my physical progress is being inhibited my inability to move beyond the aforementioned loss of love. I have not gone on a date, nor had a relationship in two years. Love has not been replicated in my life.
During my sessions, my body has improved, but not without setbacks. I can feel the back and forth both physically and emotionally. When I have a very powerful session, my mood dramatically improves. The mind-body connection is real and has never been more real to me than during these past four or five weeks as I open myself physically and emotionally to change and improvement.
Tonight’s chiropractic affirmation was “Love and forgive yourself.” I do love myself. I believe I am more courageous than I ever thought I could be. I am proud of my resiliency and ability to survive in the world alone, so it’s not self-love with which I am struggling, it’s my perception of being loved by others after the most painful rejection of my life.
It begs the question of you, anyone who reads this. How do I let go and stop allowing him to enter my thoughts and preventing my progress? Can I release my thoughts through my continued chiropractic care? Are there other methods of release I can try? I am exercising more and trying out yoga. Anything else for a gal on a budget in California? Let me know in the comments.
I am amazed every day how the universe has my back. I often get myself worked up about something before it happens, trying to brace myself for impact, just to find out I’m being taken care of by a wondrous universe.
Case in point. Today I expected to find myself in a very stressful, precarious, and compromising situation. I was prepared to stand my ground and defend my ethics and integrity. I had a cheerleader who told me,
Beth, you are awesome for not compromising your integrity. I will pray for you, trust that things will go according to what was meant to be. I know you will be OK. You’ve faced way worse than this. Deep breaths, it will be OK.
However, I am a student learning to let go and trust, so I was still skeptical. Finally, towards the end of the day, the situation did not manifest itself. Instead, I was presented with an alternate scenario that I believe was to reassure me that all is not as it seems. There is still goodness and kindness in the world after all.
I had my bi-weekly appointment with my chiropractor tonight. I knew that my body was relapsing a bit due to stress, so I had bookmarked some yoga videos on YouTube thinking them might benefit me. When I arrived, my chiropractor showed me my recovery path by drawing my progress on a whiteboard from icky to perfect. I was right, I was still having ups and downs instead of a straight line to relief. She performed my adjustment and noticed my discomfort after, during my resting period. She recommended yoga twice per week. I mean, could we be much more in tune with each other? She also hugged me and I could see tears in her eyes that mirrored those in mine. I felt comforted in knowing that she got me without having to explain. I am blessed with a new life, yet still struggling with personal demons that manifest themselves physically.
I believe that if we would surrender more, worry less, and just let life happen, we would realize how we are enveloped by the love of a great universe who wants us to succeed and grow. The world is not out to get us, it’s here to teach us how to live the life we desire. It’s in our corner if we are open to believing it is so.