2015: My Roller Coaster Year

Love where you’ve been.
Love where you’re at.
Love how you think.
Love the power you pack.
Love all that you seek.
Love all that you feel.
Love your rocking emotions.
And the thoughts you make real.
~ The Universe ~
(http://www.tut.com/note/details/89/)

Remember as a kid going to an amusement park and riding rides all day? You became impatient and perhaps angry waiting in line for the rides. You were hungry and thirsty, for food, drink, and more. You faced your fears and rode that big roller coaster that took your breath away. At the end of the day, you were sunburned, exhausted, yet happy.

Life is a lot like that.

2015 has been my roller coaster year. When January 1 arrived after a hellacious New Year’s Eve party, I was impatient for change, And I got it, for better and for worse, in all aspects of my life.

Halfway through the year, I lost an important friendship due to unforeseen circumstances beyond my control. That loss, though, turned out to be my gain, as it caused me to delve within and find my strength again.

I spent six months trying to leave a job that was killing my soul and my spirit. I applied for jobs with more fervor. Like throwing darts at a dartboard, I knew that when it was the right time, I would hit bullseye.

At one point, these two crises came to a head at the same time and I hit rock bottom. However, I didn’t panic. Instead, I threw myself into traveling and writing, which have never let me down. I traveled to Monterey, San Francisco, upstate New York (Hudson Valley and the Finger Lakes), and Chester County, Pennsylvania. New outlets for my writing, like Snooth and American Winery Guide, manifested themselves.

The turning point was September. On September 1, I was forwarded an email, which within 13 days, led me to my new job. It’s now been seven and a half weeks and I am so much happier. I’d almost forgotten what it was like to be valued as a human being and part of a real team of professional and caring people.

November 3: I opened the Facebook app on my phone and there was my ex-boyfriend – the longest, most important relationship in my life (to date) – in my news feed as one of the people I may know, under a fake name. His profile and cover photos were of him and another woman. According to his About section, he had created this profile for her and was in a relationship with this woman more than three months before we broke up. There it was, in all of its glory, the answer to that question in my head for three years: Was there someone else? The good news is that I didn’t cry, I laughed.

In the blink of an eye, 2015 has essentially come and gone. The ride came to a screeching halt and I was breathless, but OK. I rediscovered myself: my power, my talents, and my calling. I found happiness within. I fell in love again with who I am and who I want to be.

Love,
Beth

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Who am I without any money?

Every day I receive an email from my favorite blog, The Daily LoveToday’s featured post was about learning to take risks towards success by facing and managing fear. The section below jumped out at me.

How much money you have doesn’t define how successful you are. It’s your inner peace that defines how successful you are. You want to know how successful you are – answer this question: Who are you without any money? That answer will define how successful you really are.

We are all are on a journey to better our lives and achieve our definition of success, whatever that may be. In my journey, I know I have days where I feel like I am treading water instead of moving forward. I battle loneliness. I struggle with inner peace. All of those challenges aside, who am I without any money? 

I’m a loyal and steadfast friend and confidant. I’m my cat’s mommy. I’m a survivor of a budgetary reduction in force. I’m a teacher and student of life. I’m a hopeless romantic in spite of a great love lost. I’m a certified wine geek and a certifiably crazy travel geek. I’m a new media writer. I’m a person who gives my all to what lies before me, no matter how great or small. I’m a risk taker. I’m a single girl doing it all on her own.

I may not be where I want to be yet, but look at me! Not bad, eh? So what about you? Who are you without any money? I hope you’ll toot your own horn in the comments, then keep moving forward, kicking ass and taking names.

Love,
Beth

The Mind-Body Connection

I am writing this post to thank him for sending me my belongings back and to thank my chiropractic team. If it weren’t for last week’s craziness, I might still be struggling with my physical pain and progress and my inability to keep moving forward.

However, the mind has a funny way of affecting the human body. On Thursday, July 17 afternoon, I took my life back and let go of the past by throwing these belongings away. Early evening that same day, I had an appointment with my chiropractor. He told me how tight I was in my middle back. He administered a powerful adjustment.

Tonight, four days later, my chiropractic scan was the clearest it has been in the two months since I started. In fact, I didn’t receive an adjustment at all tonight it was so clear. We had a four-week assessment session and I am now scheduled for adjustments once per week instead of twice per week. Even more interesting is that my affirmations for this session were, “I have forgiven. I’m letting go.” My chiropractor said she could even see this improvement in my face and my eyes. I was so profoundly affected by this visit that I couldn’t sit still resting for 15 minutes like I was supposed to. I was too excited about this breakthrough.

If you are someone who is still skeptical of the mind-body connection or the importance of love and spirituality in one’s life, then I encourage you to consider this as evidence that what we feel affects how we feel. I also recommend considering chiropractic care as a means to relieve physical pain and open yourself up to change, progress, and an improved quality of life.

Love,
Beth

Real Closure, If There Is Such A Thing

Goodbye, old life!

Goodbye, old life!

This is my follow-up post regarding the boxes that my ex-boyfriend sent back to me after two years.

My life is completely different than it was two years ago. I no longer have the same profession and I no longer live in the same state or even on the same coast. I haven’t seen what was in those boxes for over two years.

Therefore, with some encouragement from a dear friend, I followed my intuition. I didn’t open the boxes, but instead opted to get rid of them. I was actually dreading opening them, so I knew it was the right decision in spite of some protest from others. Sure, there were some clothes I had missed having. However, I didn’t need them or anything else contained within.

The words my friend said to me that morning on the phone still resonate in my head: You have everything you need.

I must keep moving forward. For me, that meant not backsliding by opening the boxes. I love myself too much to revisit any heartache. I have come so far on my own and I am stronger than I have ever been in my life.

If there’s anything I have been reminded of this week, it’s that every day, we get to choose. Most of what “happens” to us is an opportunity to choose differently. Choose yourself first, choose to let go, choose to defy gravity. Don’t allow the past to prevent you from soaring.

Love,
Beth

Closure

My stuff

My stuff

Today is the day I think my heart needed. I received 101 pounds of clothes and belongings that my ex-boyfriend had kept from me for reasons unknown to anyone but him. For over TWO YEARS.

I don’t know what prompted my reaction, but when my boss told me who sent the boxes, instead of crying, I laughed. I honest to God laughed out loud. I think I laughed out of sheer shock.

I will never understand why he did what he did to me two years ago or why he waited so long to return my what was mine, but inside I finally feel like I get to choose. I get to decide what to keep, what to throw away, and what to donate. Freedom of choice is a powerful thing.

It’s astounding how 101 pounds of stuff that doesn’t really matter has lifted a huge weight off of my heart.

I have tears of joy in my eyes. I have closure. I have control. I’ve got this.

The day I want to forget

Sunset at Timber Cove Inn

Sunset at Timber Cove Inn

It was two years ago on Wednesday night, June 27, 2012, a summer night much like tonight, that my boyfriend called to dump me over the phone. We have never spoken since, but he did keep my belongings and never returned them to me, which to this day still bewilders me. The last contact was a check he mailed to me for an airline change fee for a ticket I had booked to visit him. Not ever having contact again was my choice and I stand firm in that decision. Anyone who doesn’t have the courage to face me after the end a 15+ year relationship does not deserve anything else from me.

So why can’t I forget this two years later? God knows I have tried and am trying. I just had a four-week assessment with my chiropractor Monday of this week and I still have not stabilized, so I have started another four weeks of sessions. In our assessment session, we revisited questions she had asked me on my first visit: happiness, stress, sleep, mobility, etc. The question with which I have made no progress is how loved I feel. My perception of feeling loved remains the same. I believe that my physical progress is being inhibited my inability to move beyond the aforementioned loss of love. I have not gone on a date, nor had a relationship in two years. Love has not been replicated in my life.

During my sessions, my body has improved, but not without setbacks. I can feel the back and forth both physically and emotionally. When I have a very powerful session, my mood dramatically improves. The mind-body connection is real and has never been more real to me than during these past four or five weeks as I open myself physically and emotionally to change and improvement.

Tonight’s chiropractic affirmation was “Love and forgive yourself.” I do love myself. I believe I am more courageous than I ever thought I could be. I am proud of my resiliency and ability to survive in the world alone, so it’s not self-love with which I am struggling, it’s my perception of being loved by others after the most painful rejection of my life.

It begs the question of you, anyone who reads this. How do I let go and stop allowing him to enter my thoughts and preventing my progress? Can I release my thoughts through my continued chiropractic care? Are there other methods of release I can try? I am exercising more and trying out yoga. Anything else for a gal on a budget in California? Let me know in the comments.

Love,
Beth