When you numb your pain you also numb your joy. ~ Brene Brown
I have one more thing to write before 2015 begins after all.
Yesterday, I had a panic attack about being alone. I don’t mean not being in a relationship, I mean feeling disconnected from the world, away from East Coast family and friends. I never had panic attacks until I lost my relationship and job in 2012, but I guess they are a form of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), maybe? Most of them are about finances, but this was personal. With these moments of panic often come moments of clarity and enlightenment.
While I took a big risk by moving across the country for a new life and I love to travel to new places, I’ve never really opened myself up completely to opportunities or people since I moved. I have RSVPed to events or get-togethers with people I didn’t know, then chickened out at the last minute. I wanted to go, but I was afraid. Sometimes I attended, but I would quickly exit. I just arrived home from Hawaii and realized that while I was there, I did the same thing. I spent a lot of time with new friends that welcomed me into their fold, but I also would retreat to my hotel when I could. Part of that is because I’m an HSP and crowds and activity can overstimulate me. However, I also think it’s because I am drained from keeping my guard up.
On Christmas Eve, I watched one of my favorite movies again, French Kiss, but with different eyes. It has comedy, romance, France, a great wine moment, and it has a woman like me, a crazy chick who takes a risk that goes against her grain. However, she discovers along the way that she had been living a very closed life.
As I thought of all of this, it hit me. I am like an egg, closed, afraid to break open. I’m afraid of someone breaking through the shell that I’ve built around me for two and a half years. I’m afraid of not being accepted. I’m afraid of rejection. I’m afraid to really live. My chiropractors have known this for seven months, as they have had to open me up physically nearly every week.
In 2015, this egg will be ready to crack open. What good is an egg with an unbroken shell? The shell is meant to be removed to get to the deliciousness inside. I know it will be a process to let go of my fears, but it’s all about baby steps. It’s about peeling the shell away one piece at a time. And just wait until you see what’s inside of me.
The truth is our past no longer wants to hurt us. It is us holding on to our past that continues to hurt us! ~ Ryf Van Rij
Welcome to my new blog. After two years of learning to live fully again, I’ve found myself drawn to the written word to express myself. I have another blog, Traveling Wine Chick, and I have written some personal posts there, but it didn’t seem like the appropriate venue. The idea of another blog has been on my mind for quite some time because I’ve received numerous supportive messages thanking me for sharing my life’s journey via social media. I don’t have a schedule or timetable for this blog. I just plan to write whenever I feel moved to do so.
This past week has been life changing for me. It’s been just over four months since I moved from the East Coast to the West Coast leaving the past behind, after a tumultuous two years of traumatic events, including the sudden end of a relationship that I thought would last forever, loss of a career, and a year of multiple part-time jobs ranging from wine steward to travel agent to adjunct online professor to executive assistant, just trying to make ends meet. After two years, you would think I would be over it all, but this week, I discovered I’m not. Back in December, just before I moved, I started having discomfort in my left shoulder and neck which would cause occasional tingling in my arm and hand. This week I finally sought chiropractic help and had a revelation of sorts. It seems my spine finally gave into the stress and I have moderate misalignment. This misalignment doesn’t just affect me physically, but also mentally. My first adjustment last week has worked wonders for me. As my physical pain and toxicity are released, I feel myself mentally letting go of stuff more and more, and as I do, cool things have started happening to me and for me again, such as offers to travel and write. Yes, I know this sounds like California talking, but I believe I’ve been preventing my own self from moving forward. Zone six, where I have the most tenderness in my neck, correlates with acceptance of change and forward progress. My current plan is to have eight more chiropractic visits over the course of the next four weeks and hope that each brings me closer to overall improved well being.
I have a new career in Napa Valley with which I am content. Where I am challenged is moving beyond the loss of the relationship. I don’t want him back, but I miss having a best friend and the intimacy of being part of a couple. I haven’t been on a date in two years. Is this because I have created an invisible wall around me to protect myself? Will I be alone the rest of my life because I haven’t fully let go of fear of rejection? Is wanting this kind of connection so badly limiting my personal and professional growth and manifesting itself as physical pain? How do I let this go? Suggestions are welcomed in the comments below.
P.S. No dating advice, please. I’d like to meet someone spontaneously, either by chance or through friends. No online or forced dating for me. This I know in my gut.